The most difficult thing I’ve had to do recently was to drop my two month old off at daycare and go back to work. Every morning I leave her, I go back to my car and have a good cry before driving into the office. I’ve been back for a week and have noticed I hold a world of envy for the daycare providers and immense contempt for those around me.
Now don’t get me wrong, the facility that takes care of my child has the most caring women working there. More so than I’ve ever seen in any daycare in my life. However, they have what I want…time with my baby girl. I’d forgotten how much you can miss a child once you return to work. She’s my last and therefore the final set of milestones I’ll ever go through.
Work on the other hand, has somewhat lost its flavor. I’ve always enjoyed what I do for a living and in some ways still do, but in the back of my mind is always the thought of how fast I could clear out of there if I hit the lotto or was found to be the sole surviving relative of a rich Aunt or Uncle. From day to day, I see folks walk past me smiling, commenting on how beautiful the weather is and all I want is to be out in it walking through the park with my little one.
I realize of course that this is not a possible venture for me at this juncture, but it hurts none the less. The sting of leaving her begins in the pit of my stomach beginning late Saturday evening and escalates into a painful stabbing in my chest by Sunday evening. I know if all psychological, but I just can’t seem to get a grip and come to terms with it. I end up pushing the thoughts from my head and buckle down to work.
I’m sure it will get better over time, but for now I’ll settle for getting my work completed and knocking down my co-workers as I beat feet out the door at day’s end. Make my way down the busy highway, where I finally make it to the exit that leads me back to that familiar street where I so reluctantly pulled out of earlier that day. Pull into the parking lot and speed to the rear of the building, where inside the last classroom on the left I’ll be greeted with the biggest smile and on a good day, a little cooing. As I buckle my little girl into her car seat, she giggles, looks adorably into my eyes and I realize the one thing that has kept me going this entire day was knowing at the end of it, I’d get to see that precious little face again.
Ahh…the joy that children can bring, is there anything sweeter.